LET'S TALK

I was always very unique since the age of two that I can remember. I can probably say since birth, but only memories from age two. My mom still played fast pitch softball when she was pregnant with me, her position: catcher! She even told me a girl slammed into her stomach trying to get her out. I'm like wow thanks mom. I don't think she smoked or drank hopefully, but you never know. So that had to be my very first head injury. (lol) My biological parents were separated when my mom got pregnant with me, hey people have needs. BUT when I heard that, it made me so mad...for real! I probably heard a lot of negative fights being in my mom's womb. So I was subjected to an unhealthy environment already. I was doomed and I wasn't even outta the womb yet. I wish you could remember things from an infant. Things would probably make more sense to me in my life.

       By the time I turned one, my parents divorced and my mom and I moved to Romeo, Mi on Tilson street. That whole street decks all out for Halloween and it's like you should have to pay to go down this street, but you don't. To this very day Halloween is my life, and I go all out fall time to decorate; Halloween style! So things you cannot remember, but happened impacts your life.  

        The fact my parents were not the correct guardians I should had. I am diagnosed with schizoaffective with bipolar, on top of that I have high anxiety, chronic depression, BPD, dyslexia and ADHD. I'm failing first grade and instead of testing me for things, they put me back a grade the following year.  By the time I made it to sixth grade, I wanted to never go to school again to learn. I want to go get away from home though, so school was my only option. When I was failing 9th grade, instead of testing me they put me in summer school. You know what I learned in summer school! How to beat the teacher in chess. I passed the class. By 10th grade my grades are slipping once again, finally my mom tests me....for marijuana, oh my goodness, it was negative. Then nothing from her, not even I'm proud of you for testing clean. Oh by the way my parents decided my friends at my school were the bad influence and transferred me to a private school. I'm sorry all that did was introduce me to coke. I was invited to a party like two weeks into school, and can you believe my mom let me go. She was happy for me lol. The boy throwing the party was the one that did it, my mom said he was a good boy. Good call mom!! I did not try it. My mom had me on this new medication for depression, it was the best medicine I've ever taken, I was in a good mood life was less stressful. I started having seizures like all the time at any moment and I could not feel them coming. I would just pass out and people would rush to me and assist me. I was fully awake but I could not wake up. I knew what everything that was going on. The first time it happened, I seriously thought I was dying and I was watching my death. Then I would just wake up and be like what the crap just happened. It was getting to the point they were going to take my licenses away. Then my savior Dr. Ambrose said it is the anti-depressant she's on. I stopped taking it and they went away. Everybody was good to me when it happened excepted my stepdad. He poured a whole bucket of water on me. It did not wake me up and now I am soaked. That's only one story, do you want me to continue?

When I was about 18 months old my right arm was in a cast, maybe my behavior caused it or I was just really strong when I was a toddler. The story I heard was "we" were "playing" and I took off and she still had my hand in hers, so my growth plate dislocated. Who's her? IDK, it could been my mom or babysitter. Then around 2 years of age; I was at my grandparents house with my bio dad and my God father came over on his motorcycle. They got to talking at the kitchen table, I went outside to play on the motorcycle. My dad said he heard a bone chilling scream and ran outside; both my thighs, fried. Instead of taking me to the hospital he calls my mom, so she can take me and every other day for a long time to get my 3rd degree burns treated and bandages changed. So my mom's time with me she breaks me and my time with my dad I get burned, those should of been my red flags right there; on how they were going to treat me my whole life. I say that because my bio mom broke me and my bio dad burned me as a person figuratively and literally as a little one who knew nothing. I told you how they literally did those things, so figuratively you're wondering how; my mom married a demon that abused me and my dad abandoned me. Broken things can sometimes be fixed, others cannot; and then it's thrown out and replaced. A burn can heal, it will leave a mark; but only to remind us how strong we are. The preschool I went to I had a friend there, a really great friend and the teacher knew my mom and her dad were single. So She had to condemn my future happy childhood by introducing them. They married six months later in December and had a child the following October. My mom asked me if I liked the guy, I told her no; I'm 3 years old who's gonna listen to a 3 year old about love. lol. All I wanted was my bio dad, but I only got to see him on some weekends. Why did I not like the guy, he rather be feared than respected. He thought he had a lot of people's respect, but all it was, was fear. Fear he would hurt me or my mom physically or emotionally. My grandpa, my mom's dad, she was his first kid and the twinkle in his eye, until I was born. (I did not know that until after my grandpa's death) My grandpa let my mom learn her way but with his guidance. She never understood what he was trying to tell her. I learned from him, I give no credit to my biological parents or stepparents for how amazing I turned out from what I had to work with growing up. When I was told to do something, I would always wonder why it had to be done or the right way it should be done. But all I ever got out was "wh..." before I could get the whole thing out,  I would get screamed at by my stepdad and called names and he would say "...because I said so!! DO NOT QUESTION ME!!" I'm like "whoa dude I'm not..." "DO NOT CALL ME DUDE, SHOW ME RESPECT!" He cut me off and I was not questioning him or calling him dude. But instead of communication, I was always wrong and cut off. He was always right no matter what, even calling me names. Now the word "dude" can refer to as a person or an exclamation word of shocked or frustration. He would tell me everything I do is incorrect and I'd get in trouble for it. In my head I'm thinking I got the job done and it finished right, he did not teach me how to do it, so I did it the way I thought it was supposed to be done. I grew up thinking my unique ways of doing things were wrong, so I stopped doing things all together thinking I would only get it wrong. He told me I was stupid, dumb, high-on, dope head, dopie, I will flip burgers my whole life.  Naturally I started believing it, especially all my problems in school and I'm not smoking marijuanna. My only known coping skill and at the time I did not know what a coping skill was, was writing poems. I had a notebook full of poems about a demon and my mom found it. She knew who exactly I was talking about and I got yelled at and told never to write like that again and I never saw that notebook again. What little did she know those poems are what kept me sane. 

This story might trigger or upset some people, I'm 15 now it's 1996 and I am in separable from two girls that I thought were my soul sisters. We did everything together; softball (one watched), school, weekends, work together. One night our planner was planning to sneak out at 1:30am and walk down the driveway to meet her boyfriend and one friend. Well my shy friend said she is not going, but we can. Remember this ladies (and maybe some men), do not accept anything from a man (woman) unless you plan on having sex with him. I learned that lesson the hard way: peppermint schnapps, two pints: one for each of us. It tasted so good, like rock candy. It went down fast and kicked in even quicker. We were sitting around a small fire, my friend was crossed from her boyfriend sitting next to me, with Paul across from me....just staring at me! My friend turned to me and said I'll be right back I'm gonna go into the car with my boyfriend, I said okay. I was straight sitting there drunk and happy, not even thinking about sex because I am a virgin and proud. Paul looked at me and said, "do you wanna go for a walk?", I said "NO I'm good here.". His face changed and my heart went into my stomach, he stood up walked right in front of me, bent down grabbed me and threw me over his shoulder. Listen I'm 15 5'4" maybe 100 pounds. He is 21 6' something and linebacker lookin dude. I was punching his back but it had no affect, he slammed me down on the ground where my head bounced twice (second head injury, more sense I lost), my pants flew off and then he says "you won't be needing these", as he pulled my panties off. I was screaming for help and for him to stop and get off. I punched, scratched so I know that mother f*cker was torn up. After he finished he told me to get dressed and threw his underwear in the woods. I ran to the car and told my friend it's time to go, she agreed. Of course we have a flat tire, so they had to fix that so there even longer...ugh!!! Coming outta the bathroom with blood on my panties to show my friends and tell her what happened. Her response was " Yea OKAY!". I was like wow okay. I was terrified to tell my parents because I snuck out and got drunk, so I told my boss (which happens to be my cousins wife) she supported me, but told my mom. My mom confronted me and says "So you were raped, what are you pregnant?", my jaw hit the ground. Just because my older sister got pregnant at 16, does not mean I am sexually active too. Then she goes to say, " You know you father (stepdad) would be out hunting him down right now if...", I cut her off and said "THEN WHY ISN'T HE?" That was the end of the whole situation. I turned to self mutilation, to relieve the emotional pain I was feeling. My mom finally caught on when she found blood on a shirt. She questioned me and yelled at me and then called the police on me. They showed up, now listen this 1996, absolutely no trained mental health officers were invented yet. Thank the lord he was a younger guy and cool, he did not cuff me but I did have to ride in the back of a cop car. People were staring at me, I felt like an animal and I told the officer that, he said flip them off, so I did! lol. I had no idea where I was going, we pull up to the hospital I was born at. I had to sit on this wood bench thing in this check in room, my stepdad sits next to me, ugh, he turns to me and says, " why don't you just cut your whole arm off and get it over with.". I'll never forget those words! My first stay at a psych hospital. I was assigned a therapist (that's a whole different story), and a pediatric psychiatrist, he put me on depokot and my hair started falling out. Stopped taking it, tried something different and so on and I already told you about the Luvox episodes, my body reacts way differently than yours. I need the opposite of what you would take, for example you take NyQuil at night to sleep good, I have to take DayQuil at night to sleep good. NyQuil in the day time. Not only is my brain comprehension is dyslexic so are my antibodies I guess, lol.  

to be continued until next time